The Swimming Pool
by Pjazz
Summary: The gang visit a swimming pool. (This script is loosely based on 'The Parking Garage' episode.)


The Swimming Pool  
  
  
  
A Seinfeld fan's script by Pjazz  
  
  
  
  
2003  
  
STAND UP ROUTINE  
Have you ever visited a public swimming pool? Not a big fan. To me they're like giant vats of dirty bathwater. Thousands of people use these pools every week. It's bacteria soup. And all you've got keeping it clean is some teenager with a scoop on a plastic pole. Yeah, that'll do the job. And the chlorine. That kills all known germs. Of course, it also turns your hair green and makes you infertile. But hey, it's a small price to pay for wallowing in someone else's crud.  
  
  
  
  
INT. DAY. JERRY'S APARTMENT. JERRY AND GEORGE.  
  
  
GEORGE  
How's it going with whatshername - Holly?  
  
JERRY  
We're on a trial separation.  
  
GEORGE  
You've been dating her how long - 2 or 3 days?  
  
JERRY  
She's got a funny name.  
  
GEORGE  
Holly?  
  
JERRY  
Her surname's Wood.  
  
GEORGE  
Holly Wood. It's not that funny.  
  
JERRY  
You don't understand. When she tells people her name they laugh.   
As a professional comedian it's very off putting.  
  
GEORGE  
She's getting the laughs, you're not.  
  
DOOR BUZZER  
  
JERRY  
Who is it?  
  
ELAINE  
It's me.  
  
JERRY  
C'mon up.  
I'm having a meal with her tonight. Mebbe it'll work out or not.  
  
GEORGE  
Plenty more fish in the sea, my friend.  
  
ELAINE ENTERS  
  
ELAINE  
You are not gonna believe what happened to me last night.  
  
JERRY  
Do tell.  
  
ELAINE  
I planned this nice quiet romantic evening with Robin.  
  
JERRY  
The new boyfriend?  
  
ELAINE  
Yeah. Anyway, we're in the bathtub together ---  
  
JERRY  
Ah, bath sex.   
  
GEORGE  
A rubadubdub in the tub.  
  
ELAINE  
No. Nothing like that. It was romantic. Scented candles, exotic bathsalts,  
Vivaldi on the stereo. Very relaxing. Then it happened.  
  
JERRY  
Robin fell asleep?  
  
GEORGE  
Vivaldi. One long snooze-a-thon.  
  
ELAINE  
He peed in the tub.  
  
JERRY  
What?  
  
GEORGE  
In the tub?  
  
ELAINE  
In the tub.  
  
JERRY  
With you in it?  
  
ELAINE  
Yup.With me in it.  
  
GEORGE  
Omigod. This is huge, Elaine.  
  
ELAINE  
I know.  
  
JERRY  
What did you do?  
  
ELAINE  
I got out of course. Took a shower. I had to get clean.  
  
GEORGE  
You didn't call him on it?  
  
ELAINE  
What could I say? 'Robin, did you just take a whizz?'  
  
JERRY  
Tricky. Very tricky.  
  
GEORGE  
He wasn't suspicious? Straight out of the bath into the shower?  
  
ELAINE  
I told him I was having an allergic reaction to the bathsalts.  
  
JERRY  
He believed you?  
  
ELAINE  
He's a man. What do men know about bathsalts?  
  
GEORGE  
That's true.  
  
JERRY  
Are you absolutely certain? Mebbe the water got cold and he turned on the hot tap.  
  
ELAINE  
No. I had my back to the taps.  
  
GEORGE  
Whoa! Time out here. You had your back against the taps?  
  
JERRY  
A man always takes that position. It's common courtesy.  
  
GEORGE  
He's a barbarian.  
  
ELAINE  
Have either of you ever....  
  
JERRY  
Never.  
  
GEORGE  
Does alone count?  
  
ELAINE  
George!  
  
GEORGE  
What? We're 80 percent water.  
  
JERRY  
90 percent.  
  
GEORGE  
Even better.   
  
ELAINE  
Why can't you wait until you get out?  
  
GEORGE  
Because I'm comfortable. What can it hurt?  
  
JERRY  
Basically your philosophy is if the toilet bowl was big enough you'd be in there with soap and a loofah.  
  
GEORGE  
So you're breaking up with Robin?  
  
ELAINE  
I didn't say that.  
  
JERRY  
Elaine! After what he did?  
  
ELAINE  
He has other attributes.  
  
JERRY  
Bedroom attributes?  
  
ELAINE  
Ye-ah.  
  
JERRY  
But this is how Hitler started, Elaine. As a young man he peed in the bathtub. Next thing you know he's invading Poland.  
  
ELAINE  
But the sex is so go-oo-od!  
  
DOOR FLIES OPEN. KRAMER ENTERS.  
  
KRAMER  
Hey, paronas.  
  
ALL  
Kramer.  
  
KRAMER  
George, I got you the pen you wanted.  
  
KRAMER HANDS GEORGE A MONT BLANC FOUNTAIN PEN  
  
GEORGE  
Hey, this is great. Thanks, Kramer.  
  
ELAINE  
Let me see that. (INSPECTS PEN) This is a Mont Blanc. Mr Peterman has one of these. They cost like hundreds of dollars.   
  
KRAMER  
Oh yeah. It's a Mont Blanc. Swiss. My friend Bob Saccamano has a supply.  
  
GEORGE  
It's not some knock off is it, Kramer? I don't want no knock off.  
  
KRAMER  
It's the real deal, buddy. Trust me.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
INT. NIGHT. RESTAURANT. JERRY AND HOLLY, AN ATTRACTIVE BRUNETTE.  
  
  
MAITRE D  
Yes sir. May I help you?  
  
JERRY  
We have a reservation for 2. Seinfeld.  
  
MAITRE D  
Ah yes. Jerry Seinfeld and Holly Wood. Hmm. Holly Wood.  
  
MAITRE D SMIRKS. JERRY SCOWLS.  
  
CUTAWAY TO -  
  
INT. RESTAURANT. JERRY AND HOLLY SEATED AT TABLE.  
  
  
JERRY  
You know, John Fitzgerald Kennedy and Franklin Delano Roosevelt had some great middle names.  
  
HOLLY  
I suppose they did.  
  
  
JERRY  
What's your middle name?  
  
HOLLY  
Orecine. It was my grandmother's name.  
  
JERRY  
That's what you should call yourself. Holly Orecine Wood.  
  
HOLLY  
Why would I do that?  
  
JERRY  
It's very fashionable. Catherine Zeta Jones. Jennifer Love Hewitt. They're all at it.  
  
HOLLY  
I don't think so, Jerry.  
  
JERRY  
No?  
  
HOLLY  
No.  
  
JERRY  
Damn!  
  
  
  
  
  
INT.DAY. PUBLIC SWIMMING POOL. THE GANG, NEWMAN AND 2 LIFEGUARDS KELLY AND DARREN, BOTH GORGEOUS MODEL TYPES.  
  
  
JERRY EXITS THE LOCKER ROOM. HE'S WEARING WHITE TRUNKS WITH RED STRIPING.  
  
GEORGE FOLLOWS. HE IS WEARING THE SAME TYPE TRUNKS.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
Is this meant to be a joke?  
  
GEORGE  
What?  
  
JERRY  
We're wearing the same trunks.  
  
GEORGE  
So?  
  
JERRY  
Don't you think it's a little...gay.  
  
GEORGE  
No one thinks we're gay.  
  
NEWMAN PASSES, WEARING SHORTS AND A BERMUDA SHIRT.  
  
NEWMAN  
Nice trunks, gayboys!  
  
JERRY  
Newman! Who invited him?  
  
GEORGE  
I think he came with Kramer.  
  
  
  
GEORGE WALKS AWAY  
  
ROBIN, ELAINE'S BOYFRIEND, CLIMBS OUT OF THE POOL  
  
  
  
ROBIN  
Hi Jerry. 20 laps. New record.  
  
JERRY  
Oh hi, Robin.Great work.  
  
  
  
ROBIN HEADS FOR THE LOCKER ROOM  
  
ELAINE EXITS THE LOCKER ROOM. SHE DOESN'T SPOT ROBIN. SHE'S WEARING A BLACK SWIMSUIT WITH HER HAIR PINNED ATOP HER HEAD.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
Elaine, Robin just got out of the pool.  
  
ELAINE  
My Robin? He didn't mention he was coming here.  
  
JERRY  
You don't think he...in the pool?  
  
ELAINE  
(SHOCKED) No! He wouldn't, would he?  
  
JERRY  
This is not a swimming pool it's an open sewer.  
  
ELAINE  
Ugh! I know, lets crash the kiddies pool.  
  
  
JERRY AND ELAINE PAD BAREFOOT TO THE KIDS POOL AND LOWER THEMSELVES IN.  
  
  
ELAINE  
This is nice.  
  
JERRY  
Compact and bijou.  
  
A SMALL CHILD PADDLES OVER.  
  
CHILD  
Hey lady, this is for children.  
  
ELAINE  
It's ok. My friend here has a mental age of 10.  
  
JERRY  
Very funny.  
  
ELAINE SMILES SHOWING ALL HER TEETH  
  
  
  
KRAMER EXITS THE LOCKER ROOM, SPOTS JERRY AND ELAINE AND WALKS OVER.  
  
HE'S WEARING EXTREMLY SMALL LYCRA SPEEDOS.  
  
  
JERRY  
What the hell are you wearing?  
  
KRAMER  
Speedos.  
  
JERRY  
Aren't they a little tight? Kramer, I can see your boys.  
  
ELAINE  
Ugh!  
  
KRAMER  
Lycra, Jerry. Lycra.  
  
ELAINE  
Yeah, well we no lycra.  
  
JERRY  
You're developing quite the ready wit.  
  
ELAINE SMILES AGAIN SHOWING ALL HER TEETH.  
  
GEORGE COMES OVER  
  
GEORGE  
What's going on?  
  
JERRY  
I saw Robin in the pool. He might have, you know...  
  
KRAMER  
No way, Jerry. They have special chemicals that react if you do that stuff.   
The dye stains your costume blue.  
  
ELAINE  
Yeah. I think I read that someplace.  
  
JERRY  
So there's no way Robin could have...?  
  
KRAMER  
Those lifeguards would have slung him out. They hate people doing that.  
  
THE GANG MOVE OVER TO THE MAIN POOL WHERE THEY SIT ON EDGE, FEET DANGLING.  
  
KRAMER  
I'm gonna do some laps. (DIVES IN)  
  
GEORGE  
Man, look at that lifeguard.  
  
JERRY  
Wow. She's something.  
  
ELAINE  
I've seen better.  
  
GEORGE  
Elaine, she's a goddess. Like she stepped off a beach in LA.  
  
ELAINE  
It's a sunbed tan. Way out of your league though.  
  
GEORGE  
Way out of my league, huh?  
  
ELAINE  
Way way out.  
  
GEORGE  
Care to put money on that?  
  
ELAINE  
What, that you could get a date with Miss California?  
  
GEORGE  
Date, kiss, whatever.  
  
ELAINE  
Kiss? Oh come on, George. Please.  
  
GEORGE  
100 bucks says I get a smooch.  
  
ELAINE  
Fine. 100 bucks. If you want to throw your money away. Fine by me.  
  
JERRY  
Today or ever?  
  
ELAINE  
Today. I'm not waiting years for George to strike out.  
  
JERRY  
Looks like you got competition, Georgie boy.  
  
DARREN, THE MALE LIFEGUARD, CUDDLES KELLY, THE FEMALE LIFEGUARD.  
  
GEORGE  
Mebbe not. Mebbe they're just friends. Colleagues.  
  
DARREN AND KELLY FRENCH KISS  
  
JERRY  
Oh I think they're more than colleagues.  
  
ELAINE  
Oh boy. Easy money. I'm gonna do some laps.  
  
ELAINE STARTS SWIMMING.  
  
JERRY  
Why, George, why?  
  
GEORGE  
Because she's there, Jerry. Plus I think these chlorine fumes affected my mind.  
  
  
JERRY  
You realise you don't stand a chance.  
  
GEORGE  
Jerry, my friend, you are underestimating the Costanza mind.   
Suppose I pretend I'm drowning?  
She's a lifeguard. She rescues me and gives me mouth to mouth. Bet won.  
  
JERRY  
Technically mouth to mouth isn't a smooch.  
  
GEORGE  
Then why is it called the kiss of life? Besides I'm 100 bucks in the slammer.   
It counts, baby! It counts!  
  
GEORGE SWIMS OUT TO THE MIDDLE OF THE POOL AND FLAILS HIS ARMS ABOUT.  
  
GEORGE  
Help! Help! Some help here. I'm drowning!  
  
KELLY DIVES IN AND DRAGS GEORGE TO SAFETY. WITH GEORGE ON THE EDGE OF THE POOL DARREN, THE MALE LIFEGUARD, STARTS MOUTH TO MOUTH.  
  
GEORGE  
Mmmmf! Mmmmf! I'm ok! I'm ok!  
  
NEWMAN WALKS PAST.  
  
NEWMAN  
Nice smooching, gayboy.  
  
GEORGE GETS UP AND WALKS OVER TO JERRY.  
  
JERRY  
Not exactly how you planned it, Machiavelli.  
  
GEORGE  
I need my glasses. I can't think straight without my glasses on. I left them in the locker room.  
  
JERRY  
Glasses. That'll change everything. She'll fall at your feet once you're wearing glasses.  
  
GEORGE HEADS FOR THE LOCKER ROOM.  
  
  
  
CUT TO--  
  
INT. CORRIDOR OFF THE POOL AREA. NEWMAN IS EXAMINING A CANDY VENDING MACHINE.  
  
KRAMER WALKS PAST.  
  
  
  
NEWMAN  
Psst! Kramer. Come here.  
  
KRAMER  
Newman. Wondered where you'd got to.  
  
NEWMAN  
Notice the Hershey bars. They're stacked so tight they're ready to drop.  
If I put a dollar in and someone was to nudge the machine...  
  
KRAMER  
You're right. Oh you're a sly one. They'd all drop together.  
  
NEWMAN  
Precisely. On my mark. One two...three.  
  
NEWMAN PUTS MONEY IN. KRAMER NUDGES THE MACHINE. SIX CANDY BARS DROP.  
  
NEWMAN  
Success! Wait. I think I hear someone coming. Run! Hide!  
  
KRAMER IN A PANIC RUNS AWAY. NEWMAN SCOOPS UP THE CANDY AND HEADS CALMLY IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION.  
  
NEWMAN  
Sucker! Hahahha.  
  
  
  
CUT TO  
  
KRAMER BLUNDERS INTO THE WOMENS LOCKER ROOM. A DOZEN HALF NAKED WOMEN SCREAM.  
  
KRAMER SPINS AND IN A MAD PANIC EXITS THE BUILDING.  
  
  
  
CUT TO  
  
EXT. DAY. NYC STREET.  
  
KRAMER RUNS ACROSS THE STREET, STILL IN HIS SPEEDOS, OBLIVIOUS OF THE CARS HORNS AND STARTLED LOOKS OF PEDESTRIANS.  
  
  
  
INT. POOL LOCKER ROOM. GEORGE, SEATED ON A BENCH, RETRIEVES HIS GLASSES FROM HIS JACKET POCKET. AS HE DOES SO THE MONT BLANC PEN KRAMER GAVE HIM FALLS INTO HIS LAP AND BEGINS TO LEAK.  
  
  
  
CUT TO--  
  
INT. POOL. GEORGE EXITS THE LOCKER ROOM. THE MONT BLANC HAS LEAKED BLUE INK DOWN THE FRONT OF HIS TRUNKS, STAINING THEM BLUE.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
George! Look at your trunks.  
  
GEORGE  
Omigod! Kramer's pen. It must have leaked.  
  
DARREN  
Hey you! Short guy with glasses. Urinating in the pool is against the law.  
  
GEORGE  
No. You don't understand. I didn't...It's not...  
  
THE LIFEGUARD GRABS GEORGE AND FROGMARCHES HIM OUT.  
  
DARREN  
Yeah right, pal. Tell it to the judge.  
  
KELLY  
Your sort disgust me.  
  
GEORGE  
No-oo! It was the Mont Blanc! It was the Mont Blanc! Kramer! Kramer!  
  
THEY EXIT.  
  
KELLY  
Is that creep a friend of yours?  
  
JERRY  
Never set eyes on him in my life.  
  
  
  
  
INT. CORRIDOR WITH THE CANDY VENDING MACHINE. JERRY, NOW DRESSED AND READY TO LEAVE, NOTICES BEVERLY, A PRETTY REDHEAD, HAVING TROUBLE WITH THE MACHINE.  
  
  
BEVERLY  
Come on, you stupid machine. Where's my Hershey bar?  
  
JERRY  
Problem?  
  
BEVERLY  
Yeah.I put my money in. Now it won't give me my candy bar.  
  
JERRY  
It appears to be out of Hershey bars.  
  
BEVERLY  
Oh great. And I'm out of cash.  
  
JERRY  
Allow me. Twix ok? My treat.  
  
BEVERLY  
Thank you. That's so kind.  
  
JERRY  
I'm Jerry. Jerry Seinfeld.  
  
BEVERLY  
Beverly. Beverly Hills.  
  
JERRY  
Right...Your name is Beverly Hills.  
  
  
  
  
STAND UP ROUTINE  
People urinating in public swimming pools. That's a big problem. They have chemical dyes that react when someone does that. But what I want to know is this - how many times does it have to happen before the plug is pulled, the pool emptied and refilled with fresh water? A dozen? A hundred? A thousand? Because basically what you have here is a giant toilet bowl with diving boards. 'C'mon everybody. Last one in the water's a sissy!'  
  
  
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